The Bitch, Pilar Quintana

0 stars

First Sentence: “I found her there this morning, paws up,” said Doña Elodia pointing to the spot on the beach where trash brought in or churned up by the sea collected: branches, plastic bags, bottles.

Thoughts: Oh my God. Y’all. Y’ALL. It is still June and already I have three candidates for Worst of the Year on my review spreadsheet. I have a feeling this one is going to win because any other book is going to have to suck harder than a supermassive black hole to beat this UTTER DRECK.

First of all, as the cover indicates, the titular bitch is (in theory) a female dog. And, yes, the dog does die. Horribly. That is why I flung this waste of paper across the room when I finished. When I think of all the rolls of toilet paper that could have been instead of this book….

In fact, the whole thing begins with a dead dog. Cheerful! The paws-up pooch in the first sentence left a litter of puppies behind. Doña Elodia gives one of the puppies, the only female, to Damaris, who takes it home and hand-feeds it until it gets big enough for solid food. Damaris loves the dog immediately, seeing it as the surrogate for the child she has not and will not have. She keeps claiming that she’s forty and “dried up” but I would suspect the fact she and her husband a) have not had sex in years and b) do not have access to modern fertility treatments and c) her husband is resistant to what fertility treatments are available due to his excess machismo would be the reason, but what do I know. I’m just some arrogant American living in a country where women are rapidly losing their reproductive rights and bodily autonomy.

I want to note that Damaris carries the puppy, Chirli, around in her bra. Now I am not a flat-chested woman, but I have a hard time figuring out how I would carry a whole-ass puppy around in my bra. It’s kind of full already. There’s no room for dogs in there. Seriously. I just looked inside my shirt and even with a sports bra there’s no place to put a puppy. Not without painful scratches in a place I don’t really want to be scratched.

But then Damaris is the kind of person who pays for things with bra money so that tells you all you need to know about her as a person right there.

Damaris loves the puppy at first. Her husband, Rogelio, isn’t quite as entranced, but he puts up with it. Then Chirli runs away to the jungle. She doesn’t come back for a little over a month. During that time, Damaris and Rogelio rekindle their relationship, but it ends when he yells at her for dropping a mug. Y’all, I think I found the real reason why they don’t have kids.

When Chirli comes back, she’s pregnant. Rogelio has to point this out to Damaris who immediately hates the dog. This is supposed to be some kind of statement on the dog as representative of Damaris and all she can’t be, but it falls flat. I Google Translated some of the Spanish reviews of the book on Goodreads, and it appears it’s as obscure in the original language as it is in English.

The puppies are born and Chirli immediately eats one. The rest of them she barely tolerates. Ah, I see the Chirli-Damaris connection now. Damaris sets about finding homes for the puppies. One woman, Ximena, wants a female puppy. She wanted one from the original litter Chirli came from, but Damaris got it first. There was one female in the litter, so Damaris sets it aside for Ximena. After a week Ximena hasn’t shown up, so Damaris gives the puppy to a tourist. Ximena shows up wanting her bitch so Damaris gives her Chirli, the dog she loved SO MUCH up until the point she got pregnant.

Ximena takes Chirli back to her drug den house. Chirli runs away. Damaris takes her back. Chirli runs away again. Damaris ties a rope around her neck and straight up strangles her. Then she sees Ximena coming up to the house. Damaris goes into a crisis, wondering if she should jump off a cliff or run away into the jungle to be eaten by whatever large predator is passing by. Sadly, she does not. I spent the last three pages wanting her to die and she didn’t and I wish she had. That’s why I threw the book across the room.

I’m leaving out a whole subplot about the people who owned the estate Damaris and Rogelio lived on and Damaris’ relatives who didn’t like her because she’s a horrible person and a little boy who was swept away by a wave when Damaris was little because they were all pointless and had no bearing on anything. Seriously, folks, this book is effing awful and no one should ever read it. If you have even the slightest positive feeling towards Canis lupus familiaris, do not touch this book with your hands, eyes, or any other sense-transmitting organs.

Don’t Be Afraid

Today’s Saturday Short is “Don’t Be Afraid” from the Shape Up and Fly Right collection. It’s about the darkness lurking under the facade of the perfect families in educational shorts.

The star of our short is Billy, who is building a complicated contraption in his bedroom. Mom comes in and asks him why he isn’t in bed yet. He’s not a bit sleepy, he tells Mom. Tough, she says, time for you to go to sleep. We have to get up early tomorrow, remember? Now good night, she says, turning off the lights and shutting the door.

Billy doesn’t go to sleep after Mom leaves. Instead he stares at the shadows moving along the wall as the narrator plays creepy music and tells Billy that fear is natural and not shameful. It won’t help you when the closet monster jumps out to eat your face anyway.

Suddenly Billy sits straight up. He leaps out of bed to turn on the lights, calling for his mother. She comes in. What’s wrong? Can I sleep with the lights on tonight, he asks. Oh, Mom says, so that’s what’s going on.

Mom walks Billy back to bed. Are you often afraid like this? she asks. You should have told me. Being afraid of the dark is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone is afraid sometimes. Remember last Sunday when Mom was making breakfast? She spilled some bacon grease on the stove and it caught fire. Everyone was terrified until Dad smothered the fire with a pot lid. Their fear was a way of alerting them of the danger.

Speaking of danger, remember the time you were playing ball with your friends at school and accidentally threw the ball on the roof? Remember how Danny was mad at you? Remember how he told you to climb up the drain pipe to get it down? You were afraid then, weren’t you Billy? You knew that if you climbed the drain pipe you would fall. That fear was your way of warning you not to do something stupid. So you did the smart thing and got the janitor to bring his ladder to get the ball down. Sometimes it’s good sense to pay attention to your fear.

But not always. Sometimes we’re afraid of things that can’t hurt us. Like Kathy Lewis who was afraid of dogs. Billy found out about that when he was playing with Scrappy the Collie. Kathy wouldn’t come near him when she saw the dog. In fact, she ran across the street. What a fraidy cat, Billy says. Scrappy wouldn’t have hurt her.

That wasn’t a nice thing to say about Kathy, Mom doesn’t say. Instead she goes into being afraid of what people might think and how that is wrong. Remember when Mrs. Campbell called her a few months ago looking for Frank? He hadn’t come home from school and his parents were worried. Eventually they found Frank in the basement, hiding next to their single barrel in the middle of the room. He was afraid to show his parents his report card because he got bad grades. If he got bad grades, his parents wouldn’t love him anymore he thought. Where in the heck did Frank get that idea? What’s been going on at the Campbell place? And why is there a single barrel in their basement? What’s it for? Do we need to be concerned?

So you see, Mom says, people can be afraid of all sorts of foolish things. Like being afraid of the dark, Billy says. But what can you do about it? First, Mom replies, figure out if there’s something real to be afraid of, like the grease fire. Then learn how to protect yourself, like when Dad threw the pot lid on the fire. If it’s nothing concrete that’s frightening you, decide if it’s a warning that something is incredibly stupid and you shouldn’t do it, like climbing the drain pipe.

But how can you tell if it’s a real danger, Billy asks. Use your common sense, says Mom. Find out if others are afraid of the same thing you are. Like Kathy who could see that Scrappy wasn’t dangerous by the way Billy was playing with him. That’s true, says Billy, and Kathy isn’t afraid of dogs anymore. Her dad got her a Cocker spaniel puppy, a breed known for serious biting. Kathy trained her dog to destroy her enemies and now she’s not afraid anymore.

You can also get over your fear by talking it over with someone, like Mom and Billy are right now. Frank should have done that, Mom said. His fear of his parents was one reason why he got bad grades in the first place. Seriously, what’s going on at the Campbells? I’m starting to wonder if we need to get CPS involved over there.

So how about your fear of the dark? Well, Billy says, it’s not so much the dark as much as the fact that he’s afraid that Mom and Dad might slip away in the middle of the night and never come back. Oh, don’t worry about that, Mom says. If they’re going to one of their all-night keggers they’ll call a babysitter for Billy. And they won’t leave without telling him, either.

Now let’s try this going-to-bed thing again. Should I leave the light on, Mom asks? No, just leave the door cracked open, Billy says. Okay, Mom says. Good night, she says as she turns out the light and halfway closes the door.

The narrator returns to drone Billy to sleep by recapping the lessons of the short for the second time. Billy feigns sleep to get the narrator to leave his room. And what do you know, it works! Good job, Billy!

Developing Responsibility

Today’s Saturday Short is “Developing Responsibility,” part of the Pull Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstraps, Kid series. It’s the story of Frank Harris and how his paper route rules his life.

We begin with a shot of Frank carrying a large sack of papers. His friends want him to play with them in the ol’ vacant lot but he can’t right now. Frank has A Job To Do. He is a Responsible Employee. Which is why he tosses a newspaper into the bushes instead of on the front porch.

As he moves the paper to the proper position, a German Shepherd runs around the corner of the house, looking for pettin’. Frank is more than happy to give the requested pettin’ but then Mr. Morgan comes out of the house with a request for Frank. Mr. Morgan is going to be moving at the end of the week and he needs to cancel his subscription to the Pamphlet Times. He pays up until Saturday, then notices Frank playing with his dog. He introduces them: Frank, this is Pal, my pedigreed German Shepherd. Pal, this is Frank the Paperboy. Shake boys, shake.

Then Mr. Morgan wants to know where Frank lives. Now why does he want to know that? the narrator wonders. We, in our more cynical age, are shrieking at Frank to run, hide, get an adult, just don’t give him your address! Sadly, this is a more innocent time so Frank tells Mr. Morgan what he wants to know.

That night Frank counts up all the money he collected on his route, writing the amount in his ledger with the world’s longest pencil. He gives the cash to Dad who writes Frank a check to give to the newspaper office the next day while Dad deposits the $2.75 in his own account. Then it’s time for Frank to show off his subscription book to Mom. He has a new customer starting tomorrow! He’s a Good Employee!

Someone knocks at the door. Why it’s Mr. Morgan and he’s brought Pal with him! Turns out that he can’t take Pal with him when he moves because his new place doesn’t allow pets so would it be okay for Frank to take him?

Wait, people in this town will just walk up and give you a dog? I’ve never said this about an educational film before and I never will again, but can I PLEASE live in this short?

Mom and Dad aren’t sure Frank’s ready for a pet. German Shepherds are big dogs, after all, and that would mean a lot of work and responsibility for someone. (Someone = Mom.) Can Frank be expected to add a dog on top of all his other responsibilities? Dad suggests a trial: Frank can keep Pal for one week and if, by the end of the week, he’s proved he can manage a dog along with his paper route, school, and many chores, then Pal can stay. Otherwise it’s off to the pound with him!

After Mr. Morgan leaves, Dad and Frank sit down for a man-to-man dog responsibility talk. Dad tells Frank that he’ll have to feed, water, and walk the dog. He’ll also have to teach Pal to obey which won’t be a big deal because Pal’s trainer is clearly just off camera. Frank also can’t shirk his other responsibilities. It’s worth noting that there is no mention of who is going to scoop Pal’s poops.

The next day Frank takes Pal with him on his paper route and gets a quick lesson on why one must keep one’s dog on a leash. He gets tired walking a big dog all around town, a weariness that is only exacerbated when Frank realizes he forgot to deliver the paper to the new customer’s house and must go all the way back across town to drop it off. He blames Pal for his bad memory. Pal doesn’t care. He’s going walkies!

That night Frank and Dad have another father-son talk. Dad is pleased with Frank and clearly wants him to keep the dog. Guess who was playing with Pal while Frank was at school? But Dad can’t go back on his word–that would be unmanly. He suggests Frank adjust his schedule to allow for Dog Time.

We’re treated to a brief montage of Frank keeping up his responsibilities while finding time to play with Pal. Now it’s Saturday. Frank is brushing Pal in the middle of the kitchen, making sure to get hair over every surface, when Mr. Morgan comes over. He asks the big question: Can Frank keep Pal or will Pal have to go live with his cousin Ol’ Yeller?

Flashback time! We get another montage of everything Frank’s done in the short so far, up to and including the time he threw his schoolbooks on the burner of the stove when he got home from school. Silly Frank. Burning your homework won’t make it any less due tomorrow.

Now it’s time for the big decision: of course Frank can keep Pal! His ignorance of basic kitchen safety has no bearing on his ability to take care of a dog! Mr. Morgan gives Frank Pal’s pedigree papers. We end with Frank petting Pal while Pal looks longingly at his trainer over Frank’s shoulder.