Why Study Science?

Today’s Saturday Short is “Why Study Science?” part of the Because It’s a Required Course series. It’s about two high school students wondering why they need to study science.

We begin on Lake Silhouette where two people are fishing from a rowboat. They come back to shore and from there travel to the sound stage where Mom and Betty are waiting at the campsite. Dad brings in the day’s catch, nicely de-headed and cleaned and Betty fries them up. Mom tells Dad and Bill all about how she and Betty spent the day packing so they can leave first thing in the morning. Bill wants to stay, but Dad has to be back at work on Monday so tough darts, kid.

After dinner they talk about how much they love camping and can’t wait to do it again next year. Then Bill stares up at the sky. “Wow. Just look at those stars. You almost feel like you could touch them. Do you suppose we ever will?” Probably not, Bill. You’d vaporize before you got within touching distance of a star’s corona.

Dad says no doubt. Well SOMEONE failed his astronomy course! One day we’ll have a space station and then we’ll be off to the Moon! Betty is shocked that Dad has an imagination. He’s usually such a fact-based fellow. Doesn’t he know that we’ll go to the Moon before we have a functioning space station? Bill, on the other hand, doesn’t care about Mir or the ISS, he just wants to go to the Moon.

“Are you sure you’ll be ready?” Dad asks. Of course, Bill replies. He has a Spirit of Adventure. Dad says that isn’t enough, he’ll need to prepare. By the way, what courses is he taking next year? Oh, math, English, history, you know, the required stuff. No science, asks Dad? Well, he is required to take a general science course, but he’ll do that next year. Then you’ll put your trip to the Moon off a year, Dad retorts.

Betty laughs. Who enrolls in general science just to go to the Moon? What good is science anyway.

Dad is glad she asked. He mounts the soapbox he conveniently prepared for just this occasion. They’ll have to learn science to learn how to keep up with all the technological advances. Betty says she’s had her year of science and sees no reason to take more. That’s because you just want to hook some guy, Bill says. Of course, Betty replies. She is a 1950s teenage girl, after all, and she’s totally bought into the wife-and-mother future that postwar propaganda has been shoving at her. Mom says that being a wife and mother requires scientific knowledge. She has to keep her family healthy, prepare nutritious meals, and answer all her future childrens’ questions about how stuff works.

What about Bill? He’s not another Edison or Einstein. He doesn’t steal all his ideas, nor is he a German theoretical physicist living in New Jersey after escaping the Nazis. Science will show Bill where his interests lie, Dad says. But can’t he get a job without science, Bill wants to know? Sure, Dad says, if you want to be a loser. But a basic scientific knowledge is needed for all citizens with the power to vote so they can make intelligent decisions.

Are you going to use science constructively or destructively? Dad leaves the children pondering this question as he and Mom hit the hay. They have to hit the road at 5:00 tomorrow so they can get home before dark. Meanwhile Betty and Bill watch the montage the narrator has prepared for them about the reasons why one should study science.

The narrator tells us that science has made life better before taking us on a trip to Paris and Venice for no discernible reason. Then we go to the farm to watch them harvest wheat. Then we go to the forge to watch them melt metal. Then it’s off to the lab to look at tubes and wires. Science helps a man decant a fluid into an Erlenmeyer flask. Science helps doctors perform surgery, contractors to build large things, teachers to write on chalkboards. Agriculture, electrical and chemical engineering, astronomy, pharmacy, radiology, nursing, dietetics–all of these professions and more require science.

Not only that, science is FUN! In science class you can go on field trips, look at bugs, do experiments, dig up rocks, and find out how stuff works. You can even look through a microscope! Why science can lead you to exciting hobbies like photography and collecting butterflies!

In conclusion, SCIENCE RULES.

Why Study Industrial Arts?

Today’s Saturday Short is “Why Study Industrial Arts,” part of the Choose Your Own Elective series. It’s about shop class and why boys should take it.

A boy wearing birth control glasses pauses while polishing a table to look into the distance and think loudly. “You know, it’s fun to have an idea,” he muses. Wow, now fun is getting metaphysical.

Not only are ideas fun, acting on those ideas is also fun. You can draft the idea, trace it onto wood, use it to fiddle with metal or rub plastic. You can even make leather purses out of ideas!

Birth Control Glasses muses next how much he likes the physical sensation of shop. He likes the feel of a board moving across a table saw with NO GUARD ON IT! (Is this from before safety was invented? How many fingers do they lose in that shop class each semester?) It’s also fun to let wood shavings pile up on the floor. Welding is also fun. He thinks power tools whining is fun, but a reasonable person would take that as a sign they need servicing. He also likes using saws, wrenches, planes, and chisels, but he wouldn’t tell his buddies this because they’d laugh at him.

The bell rings for the end of class. Birth Control Glasses continues polishing his already well-polished coffee table. His friend Bad Sweater comes in to escort him to basketball practice. Bad Sweater compliments Birth Control Glasses’ table. By the way, how does he like this shop class? Birth Control Glasses likes it swell. But, Bad Sweater asks, does he ever wonder what good he would get out of classes like this? Yes, and Birth Control Glasses took those questions to his shop teacher.

Mr. Bowtie, the shop teacher, explained to Birth Control Glasses that there was a construction boom going on in the 1950s and they needed “young men who are trained to design our future.” He then treated us to a montage of different professions along with brief images of the kind of work they did: architects, designers, draftsmen, engineers, carpenters, steelworkers, plumbers, electrical engineers, pattern makers, foundrymen, mechanics, and tool operators. All of these jobs require Industrial Arts training. But this general high school shop class isn’t enough training. He will need to go to college or get an apprenticeship.

Back in the hallway, Bad Sweater tells his friend that he plans to go into “bidness.” How will Industrial Arts help him? Birth Control Glasses takes this opportunity to give his buddy a talk about the facts of life. Oh dear. Do we need to go into the other room?

No need because here comes another montage! Every job requires knowledge gained from Industrial Arts. You need a basic knowledge of operations, how to make improvements, and repair things. Every job requires dealing with materials and you have to learn how to recognize quality. Or you could just put on a bowtie and become an Industrial Arts teacher.

We rejoin the boys sitting in the locker room clad only in their underwear. Y’all I was kidding about giving you a moment, but I see you took full advantage. They wonder if their basketball coach ever has to use Industrial Arts. The coach is Beetlejuice because he appears as soon as they say his name. Coach says that, other than recognizing materials used to make sports equipment and refinishing the gym floor, he doesn’t use Industrial Arts much in his job. But wait! He’s glad he took those classes. It gave him an mechanical interest and know-how that’s stayed with him all his life. Why, he can do minor repairs on his car! It helped him buy a home because he could tell if the siding was good and if there was adequate wiring in the house. (Narrator: there was not.) He used his Industrial Arts training to build an addition to his home (up to code, one fervently hopes) and he can do minor repairs on the house, repairs that the next homeowner will curse him to the vilest pit of hell for when they have to undo them. Better yet, when he retires, he can use his Industrial Arts training as a hobby as he potters around in his shed smoking a pipe.

Back in the locker room we find a crowd of underwear-clad boys has gathered to hear the Gospel According to St. Industrial Arts. In fact, the coach concludes, Industrial Arts will coordinate your mind and body which will help you in sports. Speaking of, let’s get to basketball practice and try out that new gym floor!

Bad Sweater tells Birth Control Glasses that he’s decided he will take a shop class next year. In fact, why doesn’t Birth Control Glasses help him mod his car as a tribute to the glory of Industrial Arts. All hail making things!

What Makes a Good Party?

Today’s Saturday Short wants to know “What Makes a Good Party?” This is a difficult question that deserves class time to discuss.

It all began when Jean called Eileen. Her brother Jim is bringing his roommate, Steve, home with him from college. He thoughtfully sent a snapshot over, revealing that Steve is a big fan of the fourth incarnation of Doctor Who. Me, I’m partial to the Fifth Doctor, but I see the appeal of number Four. The Key to Time series was excellent.

Meanwhile Jean has to get started planning the party. This will involve a sleepover with her two best friends, Eileen and Nora. Wait, Nora’s coming? This party’s going to be off the hook!

The narrator pops in to tell us that the purpose of a party is to have fun together, and a successful party needs planning and skill. Successful parties such as the Hi-Teen Carnival from “Dating Do’s and Don’ts,” or the ping-pong party Dick York slept through in “Rest and Health,” or birthday parties symbolized by a cake, or a holiday party where a girl dressed as a witch holds her hands behind her back as she tries to eat an apple suspended from the ceiling. I need to find the short that one came from. It looks quite insane.

Jean, Eileen, and Nora gather in Jean’s bedroom to plan the party. Nora brought her giant stuffed panda along to help. The main idea of the party, Jean says, is to introduce Steve to The Gang and show him a wonderful time. Jean has a list of things that they need to plan: the guest list, invitations, refreshments, and entertainment.

1. The Guest List: Who is coming to the party? Well, the three of them and their dates, an extra couple for some reason, and two extra girls for Jim and Steve. Who should the extras be? Nora wants to invite Alice and Ted. Eileen thinks Marge would be a great extra girl. Jean wants to invite Dot since she invited her to a party last month. Did they leave anyone out? Step one complete!
2. Invitations: How do they ask people to come to the party? Jean tries dictating a note, but none of the girls has studied shorthand so Eileen says they should just phone everyone instead. It’s just an informal party. Done and done!
3. Refreshments: They have to FEED the MEN, as Nora says. And the girls too, adds Jean, especially you Fatty Nora. STFU, Jean. Just because it’s your house and your party doesn’t mean you get to be rude. So, back to the matter at hand: “Something to eat and something to drink–refreshments!” as Nora helpfully explains. Eileen suggests Hot Pockets and sandwiches. She can make the sandwiches. Jean will get more suggestions from her mother since Hot Pockets haven’t been invented yet.
4. Entertainment: What are they going to do besides eat? They don’t know what Steve likes. Eileen suggests some good mixer games. Jean’s not sure, mixer games can be such a bore. So go to the library and get some books and magazines to find some good ones, Nora says.

Time to sum up: they’re having an informal get-acquainted party with games for entertainment. Planning’s done! Let’s get this party started!

Whoa there, the narrator says. There is much more planning to be done but at least the basics have been settled. The panda looks skeptical.

Now it’s the day of the party. Jean puts some records on the player while the narrator tells us that the thing that really makes a good party is the skill of the hosts and guests at making everything FUN! So does that mean Hypnotoad is coming too?

No, that’s just Steve, Jim, Dot, and Margie. Jean chats with the boys while their dates take their coats off behind the stairs. Then the rest of the guests arrive and it’s introductions all ’round! The party is off to a good start. Everyone’s on time, introduced, and ready for FUN!

Let’s start with some games. How about that stupid game that HR makes new hires do where you hang a card on your back and everyone tries to make you guess what it says? That game sucks, so let’s try Mad Libs. That’s okay for a while but then some people start losing interest. Okay, then let’s try a hat-making contest. Once everyone finishes admiring their silly hats they try Rhythm where everyone claps and yells out random numbers. Then they give up and go full Victorian novel by playing charades where they each act out a scene that will be central to later plot and character development.

Fortunately Mom comes in at this point to tell everyone the refreshments are ready. They gather around the buffet on the dining room table to get their something to drink and something to eat which, I notice, includes neither sandwiches nor Hot Pockets.

After they eat, Steve suddenly notices the grand piano that’s been taking up half the living room. He starts playing “Jimmy Crack Corn” while the rest gather around to sing the chorus. Steve wastes his nice baritone voice by singing the actual lyrics to the song to remind everyone why the chorus is all anyone remembers anymore. (Reason: The rest of the song is super racist.) Now the party is over and everyone leaves.

So what made this party fun? Was it the LSD in the drinks? Of course it was! But it was also because the party was planned with a purpose, the guests and entertainment was chosen carefully, and they were all going to end up working for HR after they graduate so they can use those games for uncomfortable meetings later on.

Everyone thanks their hostess and runs away while singing the chorus of “Jimmy Crack Corn.”

ALL HAIL HYPNOFUN!

Don’t Get Angry

Today’s Saturday Short is “Don’t Get Angry” from the Emotions Are Bad series. It’s about how anger interrupts the deathmarch to FUN!

The narrator wants to know if you’ve ever been as angry as Susan. Her anger happened right in the middle of a game of jump rope and now her yelling is ruining everyone’s FUN. Next we meet Paul who’s slapping his model plane. Then we see Carol who’s rage-inducing wallpaper has induced rage so now she’s throwing magazines and knocking down a candlestick. Eddie draws a line and slaps his pencil. An unnamed girl slams dishes down as she dries them, then bursts into tears.

Everyone gets angry. Anger is as natural as feeling glad or sorry, but unlike those more acceptable emotions, Anger makes you look, act, and feel unhappy. Why?

To understand, we go back to Susan as she, Carol, and Priscilla are playing jump rope. Carol is jumping. Suddenly Susan accuses her of missing a jump. It’s Priscilla’s turn now! Carol insists that she didn’t miss. Susan snatches up the rope and throws it to the ground. She storms off home as Carol and Priscilla watch in utter confusion.

We rejoin Susan in the living room with the rage-inducing wallpaper. The narrator tells us that she has nestled down on the soft couch. I regret to inform you that narrator is a lying liar who lies. My grandmother had that exact couch in her den and I can assure you that it was not in any way soft. Silky, yes, but it wasn’t the most comfortable sit-upon to sit upon. I can call up four witnesses right this very second who will all back me up. That was Visiting Furniture and it wasn’t meant to be too comfortable. Can’t have those guests hanging about all day.

Anyway. Susan can’t read or eat chocolate or do anything. Her anger isn’t getting better. But the rage-inducing wallpaper and uncomfortable couch were supposed to help! Why aren’t they helping. How can Susan get rid of her anger?

By yelling at her little sister! Carol bounces in to see if she can borrow Susan’s tennis racquet. She wants to play with Priscilla. Susan leaps up and starts screaming at Carol. Mother comes in just as Susan’s about to bean Carol with Literature. What’s going on in here? Carol immediately tattles on Susan because she didn’t play fair at jump rope. Mother sits down to talk this out with the girls. Mother will make it better.

Now it’s time for Paul’s story. He’s working on model planes with Eddie but he really wants to play with Pete. He knows his model plane will work better than Pete’s. Then he notices Eddie messing with Pete’s plane and pushes him away. Finally the long-awaited Pete comes in. He’s changed his mind: he’s going to play baseball with a grapefruit instead of flying model planes. Paul is upset. Pete is a heckuva guy for changing plans at the last minute and not telling a fella. Pete takes his grapefruit and leaves.

Paul puts on his hat and coat and storms off. He gets a drink of water from the urinal in the hall, then pauses. He hears Mr. Jackson in the gym punching the bag. He thinks about going in, but decides to go home instead. There he yells at the dog, leaves the front door wide open to let in all the bugs, and goes into his gray, joyless bedroom. He looks at his own baseball grapefruit for a minute before throwing it to the ground. Then he throws himself on his bed and glares at the ceiling.

Cut to…the heck is this supposed to be?

A blob appears and pulses in the center of that thing to symbolize a beating heart. Anger makes the heart beat faster and quicker. Sometimes blood rushes to your head and changes our faces into arrows. This is a Scientific Fact. Proof:

Sometimes blood rushes to our stomach and makes us feel sick all over. Sometimes blood rushes into our hands and makes us clench our fists and bite our nails. Sometimes blood turns us into teapots filled with bubbles. Pressure builds up inside like boiling water in a kettle.

Did they not have pressure cookers in the 1950s? When were those invented? [looks it up] 1679. Yeah, the writers got real lazy here.

Cut back to Susan screaming and Paul punching the table. They appear ina split screen with the tea kettle in front of them to symbolize how they’re boiling with rage. How can they let the steam off?

One way: Susan tells Carol how she feels right away. (But she did! That’s what all the yelling was about!) But this time she doesn’t storm off, but saves her anger until it’s her turn to jump. She jumps so hard and so fast everyone is impressed and she wins gold at the Olympics for jump rope.

Second way: Susan talks to Mom and gets her anger out that way. (But she did that, too!) The narrator likes this way because talking out anger means bland, pleasant feelings can return more quickly.

Third way: Paul could have gone into the gym and talked to Mr. Jackson. Mr. Jackson gives Paul the boxing gloves and lets him hit the bag. Paul thinks of the bag as Pete and punches as hard as he can. That…seems suspect. I’m not convinced this is a healthy way of working out anger. Seems to work, though. Pete heard about Paul beating him by proxy and called him later that night to apologize for ditching him with no notice. They talk it out, then Pete comes over to work on model planes with Paul again.

Fourth way: Eddie is drawing a picture of Olive Oyl. The narrator tells us this is supposed to be his aunt who scolded him for messing with Pete’s plane earlier. The “funny” picture makes Eddie feel better. He’s having so much FUN drawing he forgets his anger.

Fifth way: Carol writes a story to get her anger out.

Sixth way: A pair of hands makes a clay sculpture and squeezes it to pieces. This is called letting out anger in an active way without hurting others. It is the only purpose of creativity. All artistic endeavor is just shoving anger deep inside so that it won’t interfere with our FUN. Remember bland is the only appropriate emotion! Good night, and don’t let your rage-inducing wallpaper induce rage!

Good Eating Habits

Today’s Saturday Short is “Good Eating Habits” from the How to Get an Eating Disorder series. It’s about Bill and his stomachache and what happened to give him a stomachache.

We join Bill as he’s having dinner with his family. The narrator wants us to know that it’s lots and lots of FUN! to eat supper with your family. Mother, Father, and Sister are all having a blast. Bill, however, is not. Maybe it’s because there’s an amoeba climbing up the wall behind him.

It’s also FUN! to play before bed, but again Bill proves the narrator a liar. He’s not having any FUN! at all watching his model train go round and round and round and round and round and round and [falls over from dizziness] . Also, he has a stomachache. Mother comes in, notices Bill clutching his stomach like his appendix just burst, and puts him to bed. She sits on the side of the bed to tell him a story. Tonight’s tale is “Why You Got a Stomachache.”

It began this morning. Bill was late to breakfast, which annoyed Father. When he finally got to the table, he bolted his food down as the amoeba slithered around in the wallpaper. After eating half his overly elaborate weekday breakfast, he dashed out of the room.

At lunchtime, Bill, still running around like a squirrel on amphetamines, decided not to buy soup to go with his sandwich. Instead, he ate his sandwich like a typewriter and scurried out of the cafeteria so he could play ball or whatever game he was in such a hurry to get to.

After school Bill went to the corner candy shop where he used his soup money to buy soda pop and candy. He stuffed it all in his mouth like a hamster and followed it up with a cookie. This brings us back to dinnertime when Bill just poked at his plate and slumped upstairs to watch his model train go round and round and round and round and round and round and [falls over from dizziness] .

Mother tucks Bill in and leaves him to contemplate his Bad Eating Habits. He tosses and turns all night, haunted by nightmares of the food he ate and didn’t eat that day. The cookie looms over him ominously.

The next morning, Bill feels better. He gets to breakfast on time and has a wonderful time drinking his orange juice. Father gives Bill his oatmeal. Bill chews it well and drinks his milk. The he has some bacon ‘n eggs ‘n toast. He chews them for hours on end. He also cuts his bacon with a knife like some kind of weirdo. The amoeba continues to crawl.

At school, Bill is shocked to find out that there’s a clock on the wall of his classroom. How long has that been there? Never mind, it’s time for lunch. This time Bill buys a bowl of soup to go with his sandwich and what looks like a rubber ball.

After school, Bill drinks some water from the fountain before going home to a snack of graham crackers and milk. Then he’s ready for play. Hard play, like flying a kite. It’s quite difficult if you don’t know what you’re doing, which Bill doesn’t.

At suppertime Bill is hungry again so he actually eats his dinner. He shows off his plate like Oliver Twist asking for more and is rewarded with two lumps of something unidentifiable. After supper he goes back to his room to watch his model train go round and round and round and round and round and round and suddenly the world ends. I knew that amoeba was up to something.

Good Sportsmanship

Today’s Saturday Short is “Good Sportsmanship”. Do you want to be a Good Sport? Of course you do! But what is a Good Sport? How does one attain this lofty goal? Never fear, our friends at Coronet created this film to help you answer those questions.

Being a Good Sport implies games and games can be a lot of fun, can’t they? Let’s watch some boys play basketball, then. Playing basketball is fun and watching it is also fun. We like watching Team Joe play Team Bill. But wait! Something happened and Joe is out of bounds. But Joe doesn’t think that he went over the line.

What would a Good Sport do?
What would you do?
Would you argue with the ref about the call? Would you throw the ball at the other team? No, of course not! Not if you want to be a Good Sport. The first rule of being a Good Sport is to Play Fair. Joe is a Good Sport, so he accepts the ref’s call and the game goes on.

Some more basketball stuff happens. Bill has a chance to take a shot, but he sees a teammate standing unguarded across the court.

What would a Good Sport do?
What would you do?
Would you make the shot and win the game, thereby making yourself the star of the team? No, of course not! Not if you want to be a Good Sport. (If you want a career with the NBA, though…) The second rule of Being a Good Sport is Play Your Best for the Team. Bill passes the ball to his unguarded teammate who makes the basket. Bill’s team is now ahead by two points. And the crowd goes wild.

The game continues to continue until the ref blows the whistle. Bill’s team won and they’re happy. Joe’s team lost and they’re sad.

What would a Good Sport do?
What would you do?
Would you be angry and bounce the ball because you lost? No, of course not! Not if you want to be a Good Sport. The third rule of Being a Good Sport is to Take the Results Well. Bill and Joe shake hands because they are Good Sports.

It’s also possible to be a Good Sport in non-sports-related contexts. Back in class Bill goes over to the sign-up sheet for a special reference book the teacher brought. He signs at the bottom of the long list but notices that Joe should have the book now. He looks over at Joe’s desk where Joe has just finished the book. He saunters over to ask if Joe will let Bill skip the line and borrow the book now.

What would a Good Sport do?
What would you do?
Would you give the book to your Special Friend? No, of course not! Not if you want to be a Good Sport. You would remember the first two rules of Being a Good Sport and tell Bill to wait his turn. However, because Bill is his Special Friend, Joe will let him copy his Special Notes, thereby negating any need to read the Special Reference Book.

Later Joe walks home with Mary Anne. Bill joins them on his bike. Can Bill ride his bike alongside Joe and Mary Anne?

What would a Good Sport do?
What would you do?
Would you ride in circles around your friends and get in their way until you overbalanced and fell over? No, of course not! Not if you want to be a Good Sport. You would get off and walk your bike alongside your friends. That’s what’s best for The Group and conforming to The Group is the way to real FUN!

When Bill gets home he parks his bike in the yard like a barbarian. He completely ignores his little sister Ruthie sitting on the front steps until he trips over her doll. Ruthie is mad that Bill tore the leg off her doll. Bill is mad that the crystal on his watch got smashed. Bill thinks this is all Ruthie’s fault and she shouldn’t have left the doll lying where people could step on it. Bill is, of course, correct, but wait! Here comes the narrator!

What would a Good Sport do?
What would you do?
Would you yell at your little sister for creating a trip hazard and breaking your watch? Would you inform her that someone could have gotten hurt because she leaves her stuff lying around? No, of course not! Not if you want to be a Good Sport. Only if you want to be a hypocrite because, remember, Bill’s bike is lying in the front yard instead of put away properly. Bill recalls the third rule of Being a Good Sport and Takes the Results Well. He ruffles Ruthie’s hair and pops the doll’s leg back into its socket. Then they go inside where their parents will yell at Ruthie themselves because fixing the crystal on that watch is more expensive than the doll.

And that’s the fourth Rule of Being a Good Sport: never let anything unpleasant affect you. Stay bland and pleasant at all times. Smile though your heart is aching. Smile even though it’s breaking. When there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by if you smile through your fears and sorrows. Smile and maybe tomorrow you see the sun come shining through for you.

Fun of Making Friends

Today’s Saturday Short is “Fun of Making Friends,” part of the Deathmarch to Fun series. It’s about friends and how it’s fun to make them.

Joey sits at the window watching Barney and Betty playing on the sidewalk. He turns away in disgust and returns to the coffee table where he was playing all by himself. Then he starts to wonder: is it a good idea to have friends? Are friends FUN? Barney and Betty sure think so. How can Joey find a friend?

He looks back out the window and sees Susie walking down the street. Could she be a friend? No, she’s just a little kid. Then he sees Mr. Recordskip coming down the street the other way. He’s too old to be a friend. Mr. Recordskip stops to greet Susie and give her an apple. They’re friends? How can that be? Maybe anyone can be a friend. But how does one make friends?

Ginger the Cocker Spaniel-looking dog comes in. She’s a friend, but she’s just a dog. Then Joey’s mom comes in to see what Joey’s up to. Joey asks her how he can make friends. Mom sits on the couch to tell Joey The Secret to Making Friends. Joey is so impressed that he makes a copy of Mom’s wisdom with his toy print sent.

The next day at school Joey decides to try out The Secret to Making Friends. He smiles and greets all the kids in his class and the teacher. The teacher seems confused as to why Joey’s so happy today. Joey goes to his seat and reviews The Secret. Step one is completed, now how to check off Step Two. Maybe Fred can help.

Fred sits in front of Joey. He’s busy drawing a picture of a horse. Can Joey find something good about Fred? Well, he’s good at drawing horses. Now what? Step three, tell him. Joey punches Fred in the shoulder and tells him he likes the horse picture. Can he draw one for Joey, too? Sure, Fred will draw Joey a horse all of his own as long as he quits punching him.

After school Barney and Betty wait at the door to walk home with Joey. They’re impressed by how he straight up slugged Fred in class. They’ve been wanting to do that for months. On the way home they make plans to go over to Joey’s house to play. When B&B run home to get permission from their moms, Joey sees Susie coming down the street. She’s still just a little kid. But after consulting The Secret to Making Friends, Joey decides to give Step 4 a try. Susie brushes him off, but Joey is undeterred. He compliments her mittens, which wins her over. I can’t blame her. Those are neat mittens.

Susie runs home to ask her mom for permission to go play at Joey’s. Soon she’s joined B&B in Joey’s living room playing with the print set and cuddling Ginger. The narrator recaps Joey’s day at school to prove that his mom was right about The Secret to Making Friends. Friends are FUN. Not as much fun as Susie’s Abominable Snowman mittens, though.

Fun That Builds Good Health

Today’s Saturday Short is “Fun That Builds Good Health,” part of the Deathmarch to Fun series. It’s about sports and why little boys should play sports because otherwise they’ll be boring sissies who are no FUN.

Our story begins with a group of little boys playing football in a vacant lot. Excuse me, that’s incorrect. They’re actually playing “touchball.” It’s like football but with a more inappropriate name. It’s also more FUN than football. Mr. Baxter certainly thinks it’s FUN. He likes to watch his boys playing it. Well, Hank at least. He’s running and throwing and scoring touchdowns like it ain’t no thing. Jimmy, on the other hand, is too tired to have FUN. Mr. Baxter is worried about Jimmy, especially when he fumbles the ball. He clearly doesn’t know how to play and that’s why he’s not having any FUN. Not because he didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before or might be sick or anything like that. Nope, all illnesses fall away when there’s touchball to be played!

At lunch Mr. Baxter continues worrying about Jimmy. He’s picking at his food while Hank inhales everything on his plate. Maybe Jimmy needs to take a nap? No, he just needs more FUN so he’ll feel and eat better.

After lunch Hank goes to work on his model airplane while Jimmy flops in the armchair. Hank glues one piece onto his plane and then it’s off to have more FUN. Should he play checkers? No, Jimmy doesn’t want to play. That’s okay, Hank will read a book instead.

Dad comes in with the football. He tells Jimmy that he needs to learn how to play touchball properly or he will lose his father’s love forever. They’re going to start right now, so get up and go out to the yard to practice throwing the ball. Jimmy learns to catch the ball as triumphant orchestral music plays.

After one week of constant practice Jimmy is super excited to play touchball in the vacant lot. He’s so excited he doesn’t want to quit playing even after all the other boys have collapsed from exhaustion. I can play sports, Dad! Love me! The narrator tells Jimmy that he’s overdoing it, but Jimmy doesn’t care. This is the way to earn his father’s affection! He wants to keep playing after lunch but Hank brushes him off.

Dad comes out on the porch with a surprise for his sons: a new board game! The short turns into an advertisement for the Uncle Wiggly game as the boys learn a new way to win their father’s heart: play quietly on the porch so he can take a nap after lunch.

The narrator recaps everything we’ve learned. There are two kinds of FUN: active and quiet. Active FUN includes basketball, touchball, baseball, and all other ball games for boys, skipping rope for girls, and riding bicycles for both genders. Quiet FUN includes things like reading, making models, looking at trees, and staring stupidly at dominoes. It is also FUN to do your chores. Doing chores is the greatest FUN of all. Spend every second of every day having FUN! FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN

Fun of Being Thoughtful

Today’s Saturday Short is “The Fun of Being Thoughtful,” part of the Everything Is Fun series.

We begin with a random teenagers wondering what thoughtfulness means, why is it important, and…hey look! It’s Nora and she’s writing a better social letter! Hi, Nora! Did you dump that arrogant jerk you were dating yet?

The narrator tells us that everywhere you go, people are talking about thoughtfulness. Are they? He’ll show us why thoughtfulness is so important by stalking following Jane (or is it Jean?) Proctor home to show how she uses thoughtfulness every day.

She comes home to find her brother Eddie by himself. Mom has gone downtown to pay the insurance premium. They know this because Mom has thoughtfully left a note. Jean/Jane is suspicious. Mom doesn’t usually pay the bills. At least, not until the collectors come knocking at the door. Then she reads where Mom wanted them to take the ground beef out of the freezer for supper. Eddie dashes to the kitchen to get the beef, but then the phone rings. It’s for him.

Jane thoughtfully goes to the kitchen while Eddie chats with his girlfriend. Jean returns to find him disconsolate by the phone. His girlfriend can’t go to The Party this weekend because her grandmother is sick. Eddie’s sad that he doesn’t have a date, but takes the time to hope Girlfriend’s grandma gets better. Jane sympathizes but is more concerned that she doesn’t have a new dress for The Party. Eddie scoffs at her worries, but he does so thoughtfully so it’s all right.

Jane suggests that she and Eddie make dinner since Mom will be late getting back from town. Eddie suggests that Jean pick up all the junk she’s dropped on the floor first. He goes to peel potatoes while Jane carries her and Eddie’s things upstairs.

Jean returns to the kitchen to find Eddie struggling with the potatoes. He asks her to put onions in his beef patty. Jane mentions that Eddie likes onions but Dad doesn’t like any. She notices things like that. Eddie says he’s not good at noticing, prompting Jean to thoughtfully tease him about noticing everything about the girls he likes. Then she has an idea! Why doesn’t Eddie ask the new girl in town to the party? She won’t have a date because she’s new. Eddie thinks that’s a swell idea but, aw, he can’t ask a girl this late. Jane tells him it would be the thoughtful thing to do. Eddie says he’ll think about it as he goes to set the table.

“Setting the table” apparently means “call the operator for the new girl’s number and then chicken out and hang up before she can give it to you.” Fortunately Mom and Dad come home in time to save Eddie from further humiliation. Mom goes upstairs to put something in Jean’s room while Eddie talks to Dad about asking the new girl out. Dad asks how Eddie would feel if he were in her place? Eddie perks up. He should ask her out! Maybe she doesn’t have a grandmother who will conveniently get sick right before The Party!

Jane yells at Eddie from the kitchen about how the onions are making her tear up. Eddie tells her their parents are home and she goes into a tizzy.

After dinner, Mom and Dad offer to do the dishes since Jean did all the cooking while Eddie was obsessing over his dating prospects. Jane goes upstairs to do her homework. Soon a shriek echoes down the stairs. Jean found a new dress on her bed, the very dress she wanted for The Party! She runs down to show it off. Eddie wolf whistles at her. STOP THAT. She is your SISTER.

Jane reacts by slapping her brother across the mouth for being a creep. Oh wait, no she doesn’t. She offers to double date with him and the new girl. Eddie immediately runs out to ask the new girl out. Going on a date with his sister is just too good a deal to pass up, even if they have to have their beards along! Jean goes back upstairs to do her homework. Mom and Dad bask in the thoughtfulness of their family. The viewers rush to the shower to scrub off the creepy incest vibes that Coronet family films always exude.

Ways to Settle Disputes

Today’s Saturday Short is “Ways to Settle Disputes,” part of the Emotions Are Bad series. It’s all about disputes and the different ways in which they can be settled.

We begin with Mary, Eddie, and Jerry walking to school. Suddenly they stop! What do they see? Two three-year-olds whaling on each other over a tricycle. The narrator is displeased. Fighting isn’t any fun, he says, revealing that he is a fan of neither boxing nor wrestling. He wants the little ‘uns to stop beating each other up so they’ll have more time for FUN! Eddie separates the children and suggest they try sharing the tricycle. One of them will pedal while the other rides on the bumper. After half a block, they switch and ride back. This is called a compromise: neither one gets their own way but they get to share which is yet another step on the never-ending Deathmarch to Fun.

When our three heroes get to school they demonstrate different kinds of disputes and the different ways to settle them to pad out the film. Sadly, none of these are as much fun as watching the toddlers fight. Speaking of, does anyone else think that Toddler Fight would be an excellent name for an Adult Swim cartoon ten years ago?

The first way to settle disputes is revisiting compromise in the form of taking turns. Alice demonstrates this by waiting for her turn to jump rope instead of coming in swinging like the three-year-old girl would have done. I miss her already.

Meanwhile, over at the baseball game, it’s Jerry’s turn to bat. He gets a home run so Bill takes Jerry’s place in the field. Suddenly a fight breaks out over Jerry’s new baseball glove! Bill wants to borrow it, but Jerry won’t let him. The narrator steps in and decides that since the glove is Jerry’s personal property and it is so new, he doesn’t have to share it. When it isn’t new he will have to share, but for now Bill can catch the balls bare-handed. That’s the rule and following the rules is another way to settle disputes. Rules are there to prevent fighting, after all. Seems a bit simplistic to me, but this film is only about ten minutes long so there’s no time for nuance.

When they go to class Alice flips out on a boy who is admiring his notebook. “That’s MY notebook! You stole it!” she shrieks. Wait, Eddie says, have you checked your desk to see if your notebook is still there? No, she hasn’t but she will. And what do you know, her notebook is still there. The other boy bought a notebook just like it the night before. Maybe they should write their names on the covers so they’ll know whose is whose. Writing your name on things that belong to you is another way of solving disputes.

Oh, wait, no it isn’t. Finding the facts is a way of settling disputes. One thinks that finding the facts would be easier if the notebooks were labeled, but that’s just crazy talk. Apparently.

Now it’s time for the class to choose a representative for the Playground Committee. No idea what the Playground Committee does, but it’s obviously a position of great honor and responsibility for a third-grader. Jerry is nominated because he can play baseball and, besides, he has a new baseball glove. Someone else nominates Eddie because he gets along with people and he can also play baseball. Suddenly a fight breaks out between the Jerry supporters and Team Eddie! The teacher asks them how can they settle this dispute. The class quiets down in confusion.

The narrator goes over all the different dispute enders we’ve already discussed, but none of them fit this situation. Finally Alice asks the teacher to pick someone. She says no, it’s better for everyone to choose. A lightbulb goes off over Alice’s head! They should have an election!

One thinks that the teacher could have announced the election when she brought up the whole Playground Committee representative in the first place, but wasting class time in pointless arguing was more important. Not like these kids need to know anything about readin’, writin’, or ‘rithmatic after all. This is clearly an elementary school that puts all emphasis on teaching Rhetoric. Once the children master the Trivium they’ll be ready to move to the Quadrivium next year.

The teacher will choose two girls to count the votes. See, women are important to democracy! Eddie wins the election by three votes. Everyone gathers around his desk to congratulate him, wasting further class time and causing the teacher to throw out her lesson plan.

And that’s why no one learned anything in school that day.