Let’s Talk Turkey

Today’s Saturday Short is “Let’s Talk Turkey,” part of the Seasonally Appropriate Series. It’s about how to communicate with these majestic…wait, I’m getting a note from my producer that this is actually about how to cook turkeys. Well, then, why didn’t they call it that?

Did you know that turkeys exist every day of the year, not just at Thanksgiving and Christmas? They are! Now turkeys can be “table dressed” so they won’t embarrass you in front of your guests! They’re also quick frozen so you can break your toe when you drop it on your foot. Spend hours every day cooking a full-size turkey in your oven 365 days of the year!

Also, did you know that there are different sizes of turkeys? There are big ones for big families, medium-sized ones for medium sized families, and a wee little Cornish game hen for Baby Bear.

In the Marie Gifford Kitchen, women in blue dresses carefully study this mysterious creatures. They condense their findings in a special service bulletin on how to buy and serve these misunderstood birds in their new forms. See, when you bought a turkey in Ye Olden Days, you had to buy the whole bird with its feet and head attached. Wearing a kicky paper hat, I notice. Now you can buy a plastic-wrapped turkey that’s not only been decapitated, but also lacks that pesky neck and feet. And it’s frozen!

At the USDA Experiment Station at Beltsville, Maryland, science has taken place. They’ve developed a new breed of turkey called “young” because it’s killed before it’s fully grown. These “young” turkeys are 5-10 pounds, having been fed on grain and buttermilk. Um, do turkeys drink milk? I thought they got their protein from bugs. What kind of mad science are they doing up there in Maryland?

Compare the cost between the behatted bird and the pre-prepared one. The whole bird wears 15.75 pounds before the various non-standard bits are chopped off. Now the carcass is 13 lbs, which means we have 2.75 pounds of cat food. Kitties love necks!
The wrapped turkey is 13 lbs as soon as you buy it because it only has meat for humans. Kitty will have to make do with dry kibble, I guess.

The Special Service Bulletin gives instructions on how to defrost the turkey. The best way is to stick it in the fridge three days ahead of time. They say it only takes 24 hours, but we all know they’re being optimistic. Or, if you forgot to take the bird out until Thursday morning, you can stick it in the sink and run cool water over it for 3-4 hours. This method is not recommended because it wastes way too much water. We need to conserve this vital resource here in The Future.

Once the turkey is defrosted, reach inside and take out the packets of internal organs. Put them in a bowl and give them to the cat. Kitties love hearts!

Or, if you’ve decided to be evil, you can make giblet dressing. Put the cat food in a pot of boiling salty water and simmer. Then chop the giblets fine and save the broth. Add the giblets to a mixture of bread cubes, butter, celery, onion, and various herbs and spices before drenching it in broth and mixing thoroughly with two spoons.

Now it’s time to stuff-n-truss, which sounds like a kinky nightclub. Salt up the inside of the bird, insert stuffing, skewer the skin together, and tie it up. Remember, this is something you can do EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR!

Once you’ve indulged your bondage tendencies on poultry, put the bird in the roaster and brush it (the bird) with melted fat. Now is the time to employ algebra to figure out how long to cook it. Add the weight of the stuffing to the weight of the bird, look at the chart on the Special Service Bulletin, and select the correct time and temperature. Put the turkey in the oven for the recommended time at the proper temperature and wait. Now you have a cooked turkey! Give it to Dad to carve while your 2.5 children bounce in their seats.

Now it’s time for the big reveal: Can this dad carve the turkey better than the one in “Dining Together“? Yes he can! See what using a properly sharpened knife can do?

In spring you can make Picnic Turkey. Cube the cooked turkey as awkwardly as possible. Boil the broth with rice, celery and onions. Remember, all vegetables are Satanic so you have to boil the Hell out of them. Once the rice is halfway cooked, add peppers, pimientos, salt, Worcestershire sauce, and the turkey cubes. Put the mixture in a casserole dish and edge with buttered breadcrumbs. Bake for an hour at 350. You’ll know it’s done when your square glass casserole dish turns into a round pottery one.

Wedding Turkey is perfect for June. It comes in the form of a Turkey Almond Salad. Cube a cold turkey, add red grapes, celery, toasted almond slivers, and dressing. On closer inspection the “dressing” appears to be plain mayonnaise. Mix, place on fresh lettuce leaves, and sprinkle with more slivered almonds. Actually, that looks pretty good. I bet if you replaced the nuts with chopped, fresh celery it would be just as good and safe for those with nut allergies. [scribbles furiously]

In July and August…think carefully. Do you really want to heat up the house cooking a whole turkey for several hours? Sure, Marie Gifford claims that you can do it in “the cool of the day” but that would mean you have to start cooking at 2 in the morning and no reasonable human should be up at that hour for anything less than a life or death emergency. But if you choose to do so you could serve the turkey on the lanai with corncobs. Then put the remains of the turkey in the fridge so your husband can sneak downstairs for a midnight snack while wearing his loudest bathrobe.

October Turkey comes in the form of Turkey Pinwheels with Mushroom Sauce. Begin by rolling out biscuit dough. Mix the chopped turkey with onions, green peppers, salt, pepper, and cream. Spread the mixture over the dough. Roll it up like a jelly roll, pondering the whole time whether or not you need a favor. Slice and bake. Serve with mushroom sauce, which appears to be nothing more than Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup.

See how turkey can be a year-round bird? Let’s all eat turkey all the time. There’s no need for any other form of protein in our diets! And remember to order your turkey several weeks before Thanksgiving or all you’ll get is the scrawny bird from “Dining Together.” This will disgrace you in the eyes of your friends and family. Now let’s all bow our heads and offer up prayers to the Great Lord Turkey! Gooble gobble, gooble gobble, one of us! One of us!