Dining Together

Today’s Saturday Short is “Dining Together.” It’s all about Thanksgiving and how to dine together to celebrate this most North American of holidays. (Hi, Canada! Pretend it’s still October!)

Two little boys are polishing silver to a bland piano etude while wearing the World’s Ugliest Reindeer Sweaters. The narrator tells us that “helping to make ready a celebration is part of the fun.” And using awkward grammar is even more fun.

The littlest boy finishes his candlestick and goes into the dining room to stare at a pile of fruit. His brother finishes shortly after and also goes into the dining room. But he doesn’t want to stare at fruit, he wants Littlest to come back in the kitchen. Mom’s opening the oven to baste the turkey! No, sorry, my mistake, that’s a chicken. Wait, that’s the turkey? Only the scrawniest fowl for this family!

Anyway, the boys get a lot of entertainment out of watching Mom baste the bird. No football game on today, I guess.

Now it’s time to set the table. An integral part of any properly-set Thanksgiving table are the long candles. They must be at least three feet long to adequately express the thanks you are giving. The older boy gets the good crystal out of the cabinet and holds it carefully on a tray while Mom puts them on the table. Then Dad comes in with Littlest to admire the place settings.

Um, Dad, your tie.

The narrator shows us a close-up of the oh-so-fascinating table, making sure we notice the fancy lace tablecloth. “We remember,” he says, “the Pilgrims had only rough tables on which to serve the first Thanksgiving feast, yet it was shared with friendly Indians.” {bites tongue in half trying not to ruin the day by mentioning the 500 years of genocide}

Fortunately Mom sends all the men out of the room so they can make themselves presentable.

Soon afterwards a woman and girl arrive at the front door. Older Boy opens it, revealing that his suit is at least three sizes too big. Clearly it was bought for him to grow into. Dad comes in to shake hands and escort his guests to the dining room so they, too, can admire the fancy lace tablecloth and long candles. He’s hidden the mess he’s made of his tie by putting on a suit jacket and buttoning it up to his chin. Good compromise, Dad. The narrator yammers on about manners as everyone takes their seats.

They bow their heads for the Educational Short Patented Six-Second Grace before ostentatiously unfolding their napkins and placing them in their laps. The narrator says they are happy that their manners are so good they know how to use napkins. And also how to use their spoons to eat their soup quietly. Their manners aren’t so good that Guest Lady has remembered to take off her hat and act like she’s staying a while, but that’s why this is an educational short. We all have things to learn.

Mom brings in the chickenturkey. The narrator tells us that Mother knows how to cook the turkey and Father knows how to carve it: Badly, using the dullest side of a dull knife. Might as well tear it apart with your hands for all the good he’s doing. The kids sit quietly, watching dad mess up the turkey as much as he did tying his tie earlier in the day.

Now everyone can eat their meal. The narrator tells us that the Indians didn’t eat turkey with a fork, but it’s easy to learn how. For one thing, don’t stuff your face. It’s also important to know how to butter and eat your bread. Which, I notice, is just a triangle of gummy white Wonderbread. Truly this family knows how to serve a fancy meal.

Back to the Deathmarch to Manners. Don’t talk with your mouth full. Chew with your lips closed and know when to take a drink. Whatever you do, don’t drink from the good crystal even though every one of the goblets is full of water. Those are company glasses and little children must not use them.

Littlest pushes away his plate with three bites left on it. Mom gives him a Death Glare until he pulls it back towards him to finish those three bites. Meanwhile Older Boy uses his knife the “right way,” which apparently means with arms akimbo so you elbow the person on each side of you.

Mom calls Older Boy into the kitchen to help her with dessert. Or so she says. We know it’s so she can fix his shirt collar which has slipped under his jacket. The men in this family all have a severe fashion disability. I’m going to get them a valet for Christmas so they can learn to dress themselves.

Meanwhile Dad chats with Guest Lady and Little Girl. The narrator tells Little Girl to wait until the adults have finished speaking before she talks, but she’s having none of it. I like her. Mom comes back in to collect the dinner plates. She checks Littlest but he’s managed not to drop anything on his good suit. Good job, Littlest.

Back in the kitchen, Mom lights the dessert on fire. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be but it looks like a pile of something extremely unappetizing. But it’s decorated with holly leaves so it’s festive! Plus, we can re-use those leaves for Christmas next month. Thrifty!

The narrator raves about the joys of manners while Littlest and Little Girl break the wishbone. Could you wish for more, narrator asks?

Um. Yeah. I wish Dad had been able to carve the bird without ripping it into shreds. I think I’ll get him a knife sharpener for Christmas as well.