Today’s Saturday Short is “Foundation Foods” in glorious, washed-out color. It’s narrated by a woman with a very pointy voice. I’m not kidding, her voice will hurt you if you don’t pay attention to the importance of Foundation Foods. It’s all angles and edges.
We begin with a chart of the seven (7?) food groups before switching to Sally Brown cutting out pictures of food from a sheet of paper. She’s pretending to plan dinner before she goes home to make the real dinner with her mother. Mrs. Brown already knows about Foundation Foods because her entire life is spent in the kitchen.
Sally’s father also knows about Foundation Foods because he’s an architect working out of his living room. He tells his children that bodies are like buildings: if the foundation is good the building will be complete and beautiful. We are then treated to a montage of construction workers laying the foundation for a hideous Brutalist block building. Ugly is beautiful! Black is white! Up is down! Don’t question the narrator!
In the kitchen, Mrs. Brown contemplates a head of lettuce and wonders where she went wrong. We fade to a farmer in the field contemplating another head of lettuce wondering where he went wrong. The narrator tells us all about the farmers, dairymen, poultrymen, fishermen, ranchers, truck drivers, railroad engineers, and sailors who bring food from the fields to the store.
Back at the Brown house, it’s time to gather for dinner in a room with the ugliest wallpaper in the world. I’m not sure but I think this might be the wallpaper that Oscar Wilde was in a battle to the death with. The narrator tries in vain to distract us from it’s jarring pattern by telling us to eat slowly, chew thorougly, clean your plate, and don’t drip eyeblood on the tablecloth.
Later Mrs. Brown sits in the kitchen (of course) studying recipes in a magazine before switching on the radio to learn more about cooking and Foundation Foods. Sister needs a hobby.
Finally, finally we get to the seven (7?) food groups. And they are:
- Leafy, Green, and Yellow Vegetables
- Citrus Fruit, Tomatoes, Raw Cabbage (Who’s eating raw cabbage?)
- Potatoes and Other Vegetables and Fruits Not in Groups 1 and 2
- Milk, Cheese, Ice Cream (Ice cream is a food group!)
- Meat, Poultry, Fish, Eggs, Dried Peas, Beans
- Bread, Flour, Cereals Whole-Grain, Enriched, or Restored
- Butter and Fortified Margarine (Butter is a food group!)
Maybe it’s just me, but this list seems a bit overly complicated. Perhaps we could combine and reorganize the fruits and veg a bit? Like just have one group for fruits and one group for vegetables? No? We have to break them up by nutrients? Okay, you do you then.
The narrator also wants us to know when we are suppose to eat: 7 a.m. is breakfast time, 12 noon is lunchtime, and 6 p.m. is dinner time and don’t you dare deviate from that schedule! If you do you will never get through the day or night in the narrator-approved fashion. Remember her voice? Remember how it will cut you? Don’t. Break. The. Schedule.
The proper breakfast is milk, cereal (of the Cream of Wheat variety), poached eggs, and sliced oranges. First of all, what time did Mom get up to cook all this? Second of all, why can’t you just break the oranges into segments like a normal person? It’s easier and less messy than all that slicing. Plus they’re easier to peel whole.
We go to lunch with Jim Brown who is on the track team. He gets milk, rice pudding, stew, bread & butter, and the world’s saddest salad consisting of a sliced tomato on a pitiful lettuce leaf. Please note how big the portions are. Or maybe that’s what school lunches look like now, too. I don’t know, last time I had a school lunch was in the 1980s when we counted ourselves lucky to get a breadtangle of pizza with a single, solitary pepperoni on it. (I brought my lunch to school most days.)
After school we join Sally while she drinks a glass of milk and awkwardly eats a bunch of grapes. You are allowed to pick them off the stems with your fingers, Sal. Meanwhile Jim is turning down a candy bar. That’s pleasure food and he’s not allowed any pleasure. He’s in an educational short.
For dinner we’re having overcooked meat, soggy peas & carrots, another sad two-ingredient salad with no dressing, bread & butter, fruit cobbler, and milk. Appetizing! Excuse me while I explode your bathroom after all that milk! Have you heard of this thing called “water?” It’s really good and an essential building block of life!
Sally goes to bed at 7:30 for some unknown reason. I guess she’s not allowed to be up when the sun goes down. Maybe a witch cursed her at her christening. Jim, however, is allowed to go to bed at 9:30 because high school people need less sleep. Excuse me, Ms. Narrator? I have a sheaf of research from later in the century that proves that statement wrong. Shall I leave it on your desk?
Madame Pointyvoice wants us to know that we are not like automobiles. We don’t turn off when we go to sleep at night. We need the energy from food to keep tossing and turning all night long. Maybe the Browns should invest in some better mattresses for the kids’ beds?
We end the short by reciting the Overly Complicated Pie Chart of Foundation Foods. All together now! Seriously, do it or the narrator will cut your jugular with her sharp voice.
The Eclectic Reviewer 